Sneaky Bastard

Dear TiVo,

I think we should see other people. Our relationship just isn’t working like it did in the beginning. I called you this morning to cancel service, and I took a few notes that I’d like to share with you.

I’m already pissed that canceling an account is perhaps the only thing I can’t do using the self-service web interface. When I’m forced to call customer service, and the automated attendant plays a message about long wait times (and suggests that I could solve my problem online), it makes me even more pissed.

I entered my phone number when prompted, why are you asking me for it again? If there was no match on that number, say so; you need to acknowledge that you’re asking me for the same information again.

I told you what my name is, why do you insist on calling me "Joe"? I’m not using the first, second, and fourth characters of your name, or any of our cutsie petnames.

Three to four minutes to cancel an account? Why, so I’m forced to listen to your upsell pitch? If you’re going to ask me sales weasel questions, at the very least listen to my answers — don’t skip to the next question on your script that obviously doesn’t apply.

I’m sure you’ll find your soulmate some day. Keep your chin up.

Love,

Joseph